you're a mystery yourself
in the midst of hardship
i'm totally in midst of hardship. i've got tonnes of problems that i cant handle properly. i always and always forget things easily. even the simplest thing such as where's my pink guddy beg, i failed to trace a line in my memory box. not only that, i also cant understand simple utterances when i speak with my friends. i tend to interpret those words as something else although these words are really vivid and none of them have double-meaning. now u see..let say i understand this particular matter as A for an instance, i will end up that i'm the only one who perceive it as A and the rest of my friends will think of B instead. u know what is the accurate word to express this scenario?? it's called as BIMBO. i'm not sure if this word is embedded in the english dictionary, yet i knew that it is colloquial based on the australian english version. it's not flattering of being a bimbo. it's mentally tortured when u force urself to understand something that is as easy as a flick of fingers. it feels like i'm banging my head over a hard solid rock in the middle of deciphering the meanings. somehow, i feel like i am nicholas cage in national treasure with a struggling dying breath to crack the secret codes. this bimbo-ness is not something i wished to own. the more i face it, the more i want to eliminate it. this disease strikes on me unconsciously. i will eventually understand the matter as B after having a serious discussion, exchanging opinions with my buddies. isn't that tiring? being a bimbo actually uses more mental resources..and in the end, u will be rewarded with a quite severe headache for putting effort to be part of your friends' thinking ways. i'm too tired u see. i know sometimes i'm at your limit and get on your nerves...for that, i'm trully sorry for being a mentally disabled woman. a common english proverb says ' a year older, a year wiser'. nonetheless, it does not depict on me and again for that, i'm countlessly seeking for your never-ending forgiveness...
the mentioned-earlier problem is ok still. i can endure the pain and still put up smiles on my face. the smiles are not ever-lasting though. how can i smile when i know that my family is in a big problem?. realising my inability to solve the problem really torments me. the feeling is like a knife stabs in my heart. furthermore, i'm the eldest among my siblings. what is the main role of the eldest child if not trying to help ur parents? or at least reducing ur parents' burdens? i'm a hopeless daughter..or maybe the word 'useless' is even better. i know it is always darkest before the dawn. it just that 'it never rains, but it pours' which means the misfortunes always come in large numbers. the best thing now is to endure patiently. yes! while enduring these hurdles, i have to find ways to make all of them gone. however long the night is, the dawn will eventually break it down. so just be patient, never lose hopes.. =)
suddenly i've remembered the lines of Insyaallah by maher zain:
"dont forget, never lose hopes.."
"coz Allah will always by your side.."
"Insyaallah...u'll find ur way.."
Labels: my psycho
let the curtain falls.